The Boring 'me'..

Tonight is the New Year eve celebration....What do I do? Stay at home...in front of my laptop..posting this blog...boringly..caught by emotional disorder..caused by the 'ptptn' form..and some people whom annoyed me just now..

Imagine myself standing in the crowd of people..holding hands with my dear..staring at the sky full of beautiful fireworks.. It is a dream come true :) Nothing you can see from my face,except the wonderful smile I give to every people looking at me...Enjoying the beautiful moment..Appreciating every seconds...People screaming "happy new year" happily...he screams...and I scream too.. The stars shine bright tonight, not like usual. The stars are also celebrating the night...Feeling myself like floating in the air, reaching the stars...Through the night..The night air sweep into my face smoothly..All I can hear is the popping sounds of fireworks......

Then all of sudden,all the sounds gone....It just fade away....I opened my eyes..Here I am..again..in my bedroom..in front of my laptop...Realizing that it's just a dream..that will never come true....

Perhaps..I should go to bed earlier...and pretending like nothing happened tomorrow morning...

T_T

RUN

I'll sing it one last time for you...

Then we really have to go..

You've been the only thing that's right..

In all I've done...

And I can barely look at you...

But every single time I do..

I know we'll make it anywhere...

Away from here...

To think I might not see those eyes..

Makes it so hard not to cry..

And as we say our long goodbyes...

I nearly do....

Light up, light up...

As if you have a choice...

Even if you cannot here my voice...

I'll be right beside you dear...

Louder, louder...

And we'll run for our lives...

I can hardly speak, I understand...

Why u can't raise your voice to say....

How does it feel?

I'm not afraid of anything,

I just need to know that I can breath,

I dont need much of anything,

But suddenly........

I'm small and the world is big,

All around me is fast moving,

Surrounded by so many things,

But suddenly.......

How does it feel.. to be a different from me,

Are we the same? How does it feel?

Ntah ape2

Some people are just "ntah ape2"

I hate those people..

Dah lama pendam...

But today, I can't hold it any longer..

Get out from my life!

*I'm being too emo*

WELCOME 2010

babai 2009.....................

2009...too many memories..:) byk sgt mende yang jadi 2009 nie..yg manis,yg masam,yg terindah,yg teristimewa :P I met mt dear...hehe.He's different, too many barriers, too many hiccups and no break up...yet he's the special one and always in my heart <3

nak cerita semue ke?? hurm...x payahlaa...

Yg best jugak....sy telah bejaye grad in 2009 dgn berjayanye!!!! yeah.i'm proud of ma self...

thanks Allah :) Penat belajar.4 tahun stgh memakse diri bgn tiap utk pegi class..kene malu dpn lecturer, kene naek turun bas sekejap..kene pnjt bukit uitm..kene tahan pak gad pastu lari..ponteng kelas.kire bape hari da ponteng class..study utk exam mcm org gile..kire duet ptptn yg asek x pernah cukup..buat muke tebal mitak duet kt mama.....mcm2 lagilah....

Tp x sempat nak rase kemerdekaan sejati, dah dpt offer sambung honors.so nak xnak kene pergi gak.Demi masa depan yg cemerlang,gemilang dan terbilang...eceh..

tahun 2009......too many cheers,too many tears also.If tadah tears for 2009 nie,cukop utk buat kolam udang..Rase diri mcm x matured 2009nie.so,2010 nak matured sketlahh..da tue da...23 yrs old maaa....

yg paleng sedih tahun 2009 ni..of cosla...sgt x best sbb mama saket.Doctor diagnosed tumor kt brain n face. :( my life totally change.upside down....jage mama kat hospital time exam..Mama masuk operation room hall,aku masuk exam hall..tension...Tapi bebaloi paper tu dpt A.hihi...Harap 2010 nie,mama sgt sihat sprti biasa..She can do it..i know..

Tahun 2009 gak ada beberapa mslh peribadi yg x syok nak ceritekan kat sini..

JENJENJENGG....2010!!!

Ye,2010...sy masuk honors..pengalaman mengerikan bakal menanti.da byk kali cerita psl honors dlm blog nie...Nanti dah masuk nanti kita cerita laen ok.

Azam??? i dont know..x pernah azam2..tp nak 'pasang' jela azam.Who knows,boleh encourage myself ker..

1) study dgn bgs...get great results..4 flat every sem.eceh.poyos.

2) jadi lawyer kot at the end of the year...or magistrate..or whomsoever God decides me to be.

3) become a great child..towards my parents and family

4) become a good girlfriend.hahhaa..I know I always give him trouble..Sorry syg..

5) become a good muslim..insyaAllah...

6) become a good photographer (haha..impian tertanam)

7) become a bad grand daughter.dont ask me why ;p

8)....ape lagi yeh...in short,sumenye jadi baik2 belaka la...hijrah diri :)

Yeah...for the first time in my 22 years of life, sy list kan azam.hehehe...

Nak doa sikit.....

"Ya Allah yg maha pengampun lagi penyayang,Kau ampunkanlah dosa-dosaku...Kau tunjukkanlah jalan kebenaran bg ku, Kau limpahkanlah rezeki mu ke atasku dan seluruh hambamu, berkatilah hidup kami dan jadikanlah kami hamba yg beriman kepadamu"

Amin.....

Berdebar -debar menanti kedatangan tahun baru........

Photo yg paling sy suke..

Photog : Chopi Echa...

Tanx for this wonderfull photo u've made...

Pulau Ketam Photowalk yang Cool :)

27 Disember bersamaan hari Ahad, Shazli Shots dan Butik Tee telah menganjurkan aktiviti photowalk bertempat di Pulau Ketam, Klang. Photowalk ni mmg cool dan happening. Ramai peserta yang hadir termasuklah photographer2 dan model2. Acara ni boleh dikatakan acara penutup aktiviti tahunan bagi photographer2 yang turut serta. Memang seronok aktiviti photowalk ni sbb boleh belajar mengambil gambar sambil berkenalan dgn photographer lain dan melawat Pulau Ketam. Kenderaan utama di Pulau Ketam ialah basikal. Jadi, bagi yang lama tak mengayuh basikal, agak sakit pinggang dibuatnya. Apa-apa pun event ni mmg a big success!! terima kasih organizer. Banyak gambar2 cantik yang telah dihasilkan oleh photographer2 yg dtg. But for me, I'm just a beginner..so x byk captured gmbr cun2. Adela sikit2...

Terima kasih yang tak terhingga kepada photog2 yang sudi ambil gmbr sy :))

from eba photography :)

From Aris ramly.candid lawak :

Agak susah bagi kami nak balance kan basikal ni.Maklumlah,tayar agak kempis. Byk kali juga nak terjatuh...:) thanks Aris Ramly :)

From Fad Fadhil :)

Yang ini semua hasil tangan sendiri. Baru nak belajar capture...

Penduduk asli

model : Raihanah

Model : Tiniey Tajuddin

aksi-aksi sniper at Pulau Ketam

model

Hope acara sebegini akan selalu diadakan sebab memang best!!!!

bubye outing 2009... :)

Dilemma of a Petite Girl

Today is my shopping spree day. Mission? Looking for my black and white uniform for the LLB course. Woke up at 8.45am..hehe. A little bit late, but a text message from my dad wakes me up...He knew his daughter will surely still asleep. Pak Ngah and Mak Ngah suddenly popped out in front of the door. They came to visit mama. My gosh, what a shame. I'm still in my pajama... *sigh** I brushed my teeth, changed my pajama and served them with tea and roti canai..

10.45 am : As soon as Pak Ngah and Mak Ngah went back, I rushed to the KTM station. I promised my dear to meet him today at Kepong Sentral. It's Christmas' holiday, so the train was packed and there's no hope I'm gonna find a seat for me. In the journey, I looked at the people around....Thinking..hmmm,so many races..Chinese, Indian and Malay..Errr,yet there were some unrecognized 'races' also in that train. Well, I bet you guys understand. Our generous country had been flooded with so many outsiders...you named it..Indonesian?Nigerian? hurrmmm..?Whatever..

Yeay, finally I reached Kepong Sentral, got into his car and went for lunch.After that, we went to One Utama. Looking for my white formal long sleeve shirt. This search was a long one, so difficult to find my size : XS ... I always have problem in finding the right size for me...arggh. I'm so in dilemma..Why they made big clothes. Have some consideration laa...Hehe.Please produce more clothes in XS' size. My uncle who had visited Korea told me that in Korea, it is difficult for ladies to find XXL, XL and L sizes. The clothes there we're usually produced in small sizes..good huh?

Some people don't understand me. They see me as being too choosy in buying clothes. It is not the matter of being fussy or choosy, but wearing clothes in my actual size make me feel neat and tidy...and most important, I feel confident!

After so many stores we entered, finally, I got 2 shirts in my size. :) cheap one and affordable..yeay!! But I was unable to find slacks that suit me. Again,they we're all oversized for me.. A bit disappointed but it's okay, I'll find the slacks later..I think I know where should I go...........mission : half accomplished!

TAAADAAA......!! sangat muat baju ni! :) kan elok tue.x oversize n nmpk kemas kan?

Alamak!

Hari ni pergi medical check up dekat Institut Sukan Negara. Abangku salah seorang doktor atlit kat situ...Jadi, prosesnya lebih cepat dan mudah. Kalau pergi hospital awam, mahu ambil masa 3 ke 4 jam menunggu giliran.

Bila sampai part timbang berat badan...jenjejeng...tekejut sangat..38kg jer??? biar betul.Ringan sangat...tak bagus untuk kesihatan.bmi pun dah lari. Tak sangka susut lagi berat badan. Padahal cuti di rumah ni makan dan tidur saja. Susah hati ke aku? hmmm..

Kalau sekarang dah 38kg,macam mana start kuliah nanti? dah tentu lagi susut.Hari-hari kena panjat tangga sampai tingkat 7. Takut badan tak larat. Hopefully, dapat supplement yg baguslah nanti. Untuk bantu supaya cergas. LLB nanti nak banyak pakai tenaga kesana kemari..

Hee...orang perempuan sangat ambil berat pasal berat badan mereka.Yang kurus mahu gemuk,yang gemuk pula, mahu kurus..Produk-produk untuk kurus or untuk gemuk dah banyak dijual kat luar sana.Macam-macam jenis jamu dan macam-macam syarikat. Tak salah mencuba semua tu, yang penting kena berhati-hati. However, I'm attracted dengan rancangan The Biggest Losser kat Hallmark channel. Itulah cara terbaik nak kuruskan badan. Pemakanan yang sihat dan senaman yang konsisten!

ops...I want to gain some weight. So, tak boleh join biggest losser la...Hmmm...buatla rancangan the biggest gainer ker..hehehuhu..merepek je malam2...chow!!!! :)))

Teringat zaman slalu mkn Jco dulu!! aarghh..nak Jco banyak2.biar berat cepat naek!!

The Confusion

Still fresh in my mind, about 4 and a half years ago. This is when I fill in the UPU's application form to apply for University. There's a few column in which I have to choose the major which I desire the most. Somehow somewhat, I don't know what was I thinking at that time when I choose "Law" as my first choice. Is it because I'm still immature at that particular time to make the utmost deliberation? or is it because this is what I really desire in my life?

Sometimes, I feel so miserable thinking about this whole situation. It is full of indecisiveness, when you are doubting what you are doing and feels like you are taking the wrong courses of action. Maybe it is just my inner feelings and thoughts...I guess. I cannot slip the time. Facing the future is most important.

Being a lawyer needs skills in presenting in front of the audience, speaking fluently, full of dedication, progressive,brilliant in arguing and defending and etc. As time goes by, I found out that I'm not really that type of person especially when I got very low marks in my mooting subject. Changes have to be made on myself. Honestly, I believe that I can push myself to be such person with a good quality. But until this time, I haven't taken any action to improve myself of having such skills. I only keep asking myself:

Can I be a lawyer? Do I really want to be a lawyer? Can I handle being a lawyer? Oh no, I want to do something else than being a lawyer. Lawyer's life sucks...Why can't I be a photographer.hahahaha..kidding! arghhhh!

OMG.I'm neglecting my own future by doing so. I'm afraid of my own shadow. Supposedly, I have to dig my passion in this field.

Actions have to be taken. The year 2010 will come and bring me a new spirit to figure out who I am, and what I have been destined to be. Perhaps after finishing LLB, then I'll know what I want in my life..Don't worry, I'll end my misery!!! We'll see!! :)

Controllers are Abusers?

Just now, I watched my favorite show on tv, The Oprah Show. I am interested by the topic of the discussion today. A woman named Barbara Sheehan was invited to the show. Barbara's life experience has caught Oprah's attention and thus she was called to share her experience with others. She was charged of murdering his own husband. Barbara shot his husband 11 times!! Soon, I learn that she has a strong reason of doing so.

Barbara and her husband, Raymond had been married for 24 years. At first, the marriage was a normal one. They lived as happy couple. However, after Barbara gave birth to her second child, Raymond started to change. He became an abuser. For 16 to 17 years, Barbara had been constantly abused verbally,mentally and physically by her husband. Raymond was so violent. What caught my attention the most from her story is that, there's one day, Barbara cook marinara sauce for her husband. Apparently, Raymond decided that he didn't want to eat marinara sauce that night...and guess what? he poured the cooking that is still boiling from the pot into Barbara's head and easily said "cook something else for me to eat now". Isn't that cruel? It does not end there. There's also incident where Raymond grabbed Barbara's neck and slammed her head into the wall resulting in 10 stitches from her forehead up to her head. Barbara claimed that the abuse inflicted on her is countless and never ending.

It is very frustrating knowing the fact that her husband was a policeman. A person that he we would come to, to cry for help. This is one of the reason why Barbara feel so scared. She has nowhere to go. Raymond abused her in front of her family.. To report the matter to the police will make things worst. Since at that time, his husband is a sergeant, he always remind Barbara that he is powerful and nobody going to believe her.She can't even get out off the house. Raymond would had access to find her. He constantly threatened her that he would go for her family if he unable to get her. At that point of time, she realized that Raymond will harm her family. She also has two kids to be protected.

At the time of the killing take place, the couple had an argument. It is just a petty argument, i.e Barbara didn't want to go to the family vacation. She hates having a family vacation with Raymond. She knows that she would be far away from her family. He would had her alone and could easily takes this chance to hurt her. Disagreed with Barbara's decision, Raymond walked towards Barbara and pointed his gun over her. She ran and grabbed another gun belongs to Raymond. At this point, she knew that he would kill her and she believe he will! This man will not let her go. Raymond had threatened to kill her so many times before.She felt so helpless. With great fear, she shot Raymond. Raymond died instantly.

She was charged with murdering her husband. Currently the court ordered that she can be released by bail. But still, she have to face the trial by jury.She is now waiting for the trial and here future depends on the jury's decision. I learn that she murdered her husband due to constant provocation and for the sake of protecting her own life. Thus, her act can be categorized into self defense. Poor Barbara.

In the show, she stressed that "people who are controller can turn out to be an abuser". She advised the society, that once your partner starting to control your life, find a way to get off from him..How far the statement is true? People..especially ladies like to be controlled. They feel like their partners care about them by doing so. However, you can have someone who control you, but in a logical way. They cannot control every second of your life. Such as in this situation, Barbara's life was totally controlled by her husband. Even if she went to supermarket, she has to show Raymond the receipt so that he can trace what time she goes, what time she made the purchase and what time she comes back. It means, there's no way Barbara can slip away. She and the children were separated from society. They cannot mix with other.

Now, no more Raymond in her life. She can have her own life..leaving her 17 years of suffering,pain and fear. She said that, even if the jury decides that she should be imprisoned, she feel much better being there than living in misery with her husband....

Ouh!

Ouh, cuti ada 2 weeks ja lagi....almost 2 months I stay at home doing nothing but jadi "surirumah" sahaja. Masa mula cuti sem, I decided to do part time work, but mama insisted me to stay at home looking for her and my younger brother, Ajim.

Ouh, skrg cuti sudah hampir habis and harus digunakan sebaik mungkin cuz after this dah x boleh nak relax selalu..!!!!

Ouh, start je class nanti, I can no longer sleep anytime I want.hehe... ;))

Ouh, I love my holiday!!! goodbye my holiday!!! <3

THE PREPARATION

I have two weeks left until the day of registration of the LLB. It freaks me out because there's a lot of things i need to settle.

First and foremost, I have to prepare documents that have to be submitted during the registration. Well, I'm sure most of you have the experience like this. Documents such as offer letter,ic,birth certificate, spm's result and bla bla bla that need to be printed,photocopied and certified...phew, I can't imagine how I hate this...plus, I also need to undergo medical check up. Isn't it boring. The last time I did my medical check up was few years ago. Luckily, my brother is a doctor. So, I don't have to queue at the government hospital waiting to be examined. Reminder for myself : PREPARE A CHECKLIST PLEASE!!

I also need to buy white and black attire as much as I can (if only i had money to buy it). The honors course requires the student to wear formal black and white attire everyday. I only have 2 baju kurung and few black and white blouses in my collection. It is not enough! I desperately need to buy more clothes but in the same time, I have to keep it under my tight budget. Money matters a lot to me right now. With no scholarship, I have to rely hundred percent on my parents for the registration fees,books,attires,house rents and bla bla bla. Since mama is sick right now, I don't want to worry her so much as it would affect her. Relying financially on my parents is usually my last option. But now, I have no other options left ...By the way, I'm sure all my colleagues have the same problem as I do.."financial problem"... as all this while we relied on 'pt money'..hehe....padan muke kami!

Few days ago, while looking for scholarship in the internet, I came across a website which offers scholarship for graduates whom intended to pursue their studies. I found myself eligible to apply this scholarship. Usually, some institution will put a very high standard of requirements for applicants before they can apply for the scholarship. But this time it's different, I'm way too qualify to apply it.So, without undue delay, I fill in the application form.. :) I hope they'll approve my application. I need the scholarship so badly. In case they reject my application, I have two options left, i.e taking 'ptptn' loan again OR asking help from my lecturer to find suitable scholarship for me. Ya Allah, please help me :)

@_@ come on, come on....cepat2 prepare semua!!!!!!!

p/s: camne nak gi blaja ngan tenang.hati di dlm risaukan ibunda tercinta...Tuhan tolonglah.

mama oh mama

mama oh mama!

i miss my healthy mama a lot..it's been a year since she was diagnosed of having tumor in large part of her face and brain.

the surgery to remove 90% of the tumor had already been done.Nevertheless,10% more cannot be removed because it is too risky. However,still, after the operation, mama is so weak.She's loosing so much weight.

what sadden me the most, mama have mentally and psychically changed.She used to be an active,independent,talkative and high spirited person. But now, mama do not speak as much as she always do. I can hardly see she smile nowadays. I know, deep inside her heart, she is struggling to fight her disease. It is not easy for her to face this.So, i try to understand her situation despite i'm longing for her love,attention and the mother-daughter warm relationship.

I pray and never stop praying for her.Maybe there is "hikmah" why Allah swt choose to test mama.

"Allah tidak akan menguji seseorang manusia melebihi tahap kemampuannya"

I believe in this ayat. Mama will survive! Mama, you are the strongest one and you will always be.i love you!!

1 down..1 more to go.

yeay~~~ i finished my degree already.mcm x pecayer je.3 years tergolek-golek nak finish my degree ni.ALHAMDULILLAH.I passed with flying colours.thank u ALLAH!

hmm...on 17 dec hari tu,result llb da out.so, as i expected,i got a place in llb..

well, since june lagi i've started thinking whether i should go for llb or not. Until now, masih ragu2 nak masuk llb or not.

i heard stories from my seniors about llb. very hard and tiring.the lecturers also garang2 belaka. and the most important thing is that, i cannot sleep anymore.hehe.it is not like zaman bls yang i can sleep anytime i want, yg i can skip classes slalu. setahun je.maybe i can do this!

i'm not sure whether i will survive this programme..arggg! sgt susah buat keputusan!! my dad insisted that i should go for it.He focuses on the amount of wages that i will received.LOL.Nevermind, he wants the best for me anyway.

today i went to buy my black n white cloth.to make baju kurung for llb. So, it means that i have decided to pursue my studies, and i cannot step back. the preparations are enormous and my parents will invest a great amount of money on me. I try to apply scholarship from KPT. i hope i'll get it.tak nak burden my parents.

esok kena pergi print out and photocopy all relevant things for registration later.sgtla mls nak buat all that things...hurmmm~~

p/s: mcm x rele je msk blaja blk..*sigh

i have a blog?

Unbelievable!!

i have my own blog now. .. =D

Actually, dah lame inspired to have my own blog, but tunggu masa nak start jer and thinking how to construct a good blog.So guys, am a newbies!! haha.

Probably,am having the worst blog ever.Im not so good in writing.So, i'll just write down simply what is in my mind. Now i remember, ramai my friends have their own blog long ago, since I was 18 years old,blur,odd,not trendy,and *skema gile.

but now, it's my time to have one.hehe.although i am going to be very busy starting january 2010,i'll try to update my blog slalu...i love u blog.muah3!

So, this blog adalah sempena this coming new year, 2010. yeah,new spirit! new experience! and new challenges!!!