I'm Strong, Therefore I am

A dark night,

I walk through dark alleys,

Wondering if the stars would shine for me?

Wondering if I would fell and no one will carry me?

Wondering if its going to rain in the middle of my journey?

Wondering if there are hopes at the end of the road?

Oh..I said to myself, "don't worry"!

My tears are my strength,

My prays are my shield,

and my laughs are everything.

I will reach there safely!

I don't have to worry,

Cuz I'm strong,

And therefore I am...

Marriage

Assalamualaikum.

Marriage, wedding . Sounds simple. Get your man, buy your wedding ring, nikah, sanding, and that's it, you are married. I attended my cousin's wedding last saturday and sunday. Unfortunately, she's at my age. It means that I have to answer thousand of questions from my aunties,uncles,grandmas,cousins and etc. 'Kau beli lagi?? Dah ada calon? Dah kumpol duit nak kawin? boifren sape? umor brape? orang mane?" ....... urgh, panas telinga. Terpaksalah faking smile. huhu..

The reason I wanna talk about marriage is because, I received a silly message on Facebook from a total stranger asking my hands for marriage. He said "Boleh saya masuk meminang awak?" ..Senang-senang jee. haha. Geli hati. I instantly reply. "eh, mana boleh, I already engaged". tett. tipu sunat. Block him from my list. huhu.

How can people simply ajak orang kawin? So random. Poor guy, I think he desperately needs a bride. I hope he'll find someone saying 'yes' to him.

Previously, I thought that marriage is a simple thing. To tie the knot between 2 persons and stepping into 'halal' relationship as encourage by Islam. And then I started to get excited to get married when few of my friends sent their wedding invitations to me. Uh tak aciii,nak kawen jugak...huhu However. the excitement turn over when I think about the expenses that I have to bear for the wedding itself and most important is the responsibility after getting married. Dasyat tue weh..hmmmm..[kejap je excited -_-! ]

I personally think that it is very difficult to find the perfect husband for myself. Regardless of how many years I have been into relationship with someone, I still find that i'ts hard to find 'chemistry' with someone I love, like or whatever.. Chemistry is very important as it determine how you communicate with your spouse. Communications with my loved one always turned out very bad, and at the end we begun to quarrel about the simplest thing ever. I'm quite a bad tempered person and when I reached the boiling point, I got mad easily and started to throw tantrum. Well, all women are over-emotional right? so, the blame is not on me. huhu.....and he, on the other hand, is a 'whatever-I don't care' person. We have tried to fix this problem..but I don't think we managed to solve it until today. That makes me worry. Can't we stand this forever after we got married? Woah..kawin itu SCARY.

Recently I have been reading articles and news about how people easily divorced after sometime they got married. I am 100% an anti-divorce person. The lame excuses for people who getting divorced is "takda jodoh, jodoh tak panjang, tak serasi lagi". Oh, I think when you found someone that you are going to love for the rest of your life, decided to get married and live happily.... he or she is your jodoh. Now when you don't love him or her anymore, you said that 'xda jodoh and x serasi' It's quite worrying. I hope my spouse won't say that to me later on...

My vission and mission in marriage are 'say no to divorce' and 'family yg diberkati Allah s.w.t'. InsyaAllah, I'll try to achieve my mission and vission..Seperti mencari sebutir berlian dalam pasir..eceh gitu..

Boring jugak cakap psl kawin nie. Oklah bye..zzzzzzz

Respect and Relax

Assalamualaikum. hye.

Respect and Relax. Sebenarnya, hari ni aku nak cakap pasal perangai manusia yang kadang-kadang sangat menyakiti hati aku dan juga sesiapa sahaje yang menjadi mangsa. Orang yang tak reti respect and relax. Malah, sifat diorang ni tak cool langsung....Takda sifat Nabi langsung iaitu: Penyabar... OK, meh nak cerita sikit.

Pernah tak korang ade pengalaman camni. Korang tengah beratur dengan sabarnya kat toll walaupun barisannya sangatlah panjang. Korang sabar menunggu turn korang nak bayar toll dengan harapan dapat sampai cepat ke rumah...Tibe2 datang sebuah kereta dari belakang and terhegeh-terhegeh-hegeh bagi signal (kononnya baik la tu) nak masuk line. Memang panasla hati time tue. Kalau orang tak bagi masuk line, die terus himpit kereta korang... Nak jugak potong line! eeee memang geram. Aku selalu kene camni...Nak je aku bukak tingkap ke, simbah asid ker. Orang-orang macam nila patut kene simbah asid wahai asid man. So, choose ur victim wisely ye acid man. hehe. menggalakkan jenayah plak dah. adush! -______-

Kadang-kadang, if bagi signal, aku bolehla nak consider lagi nak bagi potong line. Mungkin die terlepas pandang or whatsoever. .Tetapi rakan2, ade yang lagi non-educated dari mereka... Dahla signal tak bagi, dari jauh pecut and terus masuk line time orang tengah slow2 follow line. Aduh, betapa sakitnya jiwa mereka yang menjadi mangsa ketamakan orang lain. Selfish nya orang2 camni..Memang nak kene smackdown!!!

Jumaat lepas, ada jadi camni sekali. Tapi, pada orang depan aku la mangsanya..Tibe-tibe je kancil tu menyelit dengan takde signal nya. Nasib baik keta depan tu sempat emergency break....Ape lagi, memang orang depan aku tu honk!!!!!!! kuat-kuat. Padan muka dia. Aku geleng kepala je tgk dari belakang. Kalau aku ni power, dah lame aku keluar keta and tumbok muke driver tu. tak respect orang langsung. Nasib baik aku masih boleh relax and aku memang tak power mane pun..ngeee

Pernah sekali tu, jadi kat aku. Kete proton saga yang dipandu lelaki. Lelaki yang ade rupe. Tapi sayang, perangai sangat buruk. Malang betul awek yang duduk sebelah die tue. Camni citenye..Satu petang yang hening, die himpit kereta aku sebab sebok nak potong line. Aku pun buat bodoh jela, dan memang time aku takde belas kasihan sebab die memang selfish brat. Aku nak jugak move forward walau kereta die dah rapat dgn aku. Ada aku kesah. Lagi2 mood memang tengah tak baik time tu....

Then, mamat tu bengang la kononnya. Die bukak tingkap, and lambai tgnnye, dan aku boleh agak gerak mulut die cakap "silekan jalan...ha silelahhh ye jalan!!!".........."oooo, kau perli aku rupenye..."dalam hati aku berbisik...Aku pun buat2 senyum dan bagi signal tangan suruh die ke belakang..Mulut aku plak cakap..."ke belakang ye, SILA BERATUR!!"....em puas sangat hati aku. Aku pun jalanla dulu..mamat tadi masih bengang-bengang and tekan minyak kuat2 ala2 orang nak drift la konon...ingat aku takot?

Untuk menambahkan marah dihati die, aku saje je bagi laluan satu kereta yang nak kuar dari simpang. Lame aku berhenti kat situ, dengan niat nak bagi kereta tu kuar simpang. Then aku ketawa. Hahahaha....Macam syaiton sekejap aku gelak. Puas hati. padan muka mamat kat belakang tue. Biar die tahu, hanya orang yang berkelakuan sopan je akan dapat layanan sopan..Kalu bab2 kurang ajar nie, hati aku memang cepat panas. Kalau tak cukup belajar, meh kita pegi driving skool.

The moral of the story is, TOLONGLAH respect driver lain. TOLONGLAH juga relax. Jangan menggelabah di jalan raya. BERATUR....Bukan anda saje yang mahu cepat sampai ke destinasi. Orang lain pun sama kan? Hati-hati di jalan raya..Selamat berhujong minggu!!! :)

Kreatif ker?

Assalamualaikum. Hai.:)

Huyeah, selesai menukar background dan macam2 kat blog aku ni. Sebelum ni nampak buruk sangat. Aku pulak malas nak buat apa2 kat blog nie. Balik keje je tido, tido je balik keje. Tapi hari ni setelah melantak dua pinggan nasi dengan rakusnye, (Aku puase hari ni, sebab tula makan banyak. Penay kot, hari ni drive lame giler dari ofis ke rumah sebab jam gile and hujan lak lebat. Jadi aku memang lapar giler mcm monster) ,aku bersemangat dan bertenaga untuk redecorate blog nie.

Nak cakap cantik tu, takla sangat. What say you? buruk tak design baru nie? huhu..Aku x berapa kreatif. tapi persoalan yang timbul sekarang ialah, gambo kat atas ni macam senget sket kan? puas aku belek2, tapi tak jumpa penyelesaiannya macam mana nak tengahkan gambar tu.. sape2 yang tahu, tolonla bagi taw eh. Kalo tak mesti korang cakap aku nie senget macam gambo tu jugak. Memang tak reti la.

Hmm Alang2 tu aku nak cerita pasal mangga. Korang penah tak mengidam nak makan mangge kecil2 yg masam sangat tue. Bf aku panggil 'mangga telor'. Orang terengganu plak panggil pauh. tak kirela ape pon yg dorg gelar mangga tu. yang penting mangga tu memang kesukaaaaan aku. Orang sebut je mangga tue, ake terasa air liur aku lebat kluar dan macam nak meleleh. pipi plak macam rase ngiluu jer. hehe. kalah orang mengidam. mane taknya, rase die memang masam dan mengecutkan. Arwah mak slalu cakap, "patutla kakak kecut jer, suke sgt mkn masam2!" hehehe..

Tadi, aku dapat pekena mangge tue. dah bertaun jugak aku mengidam. Papa bawak balik rumah, die cakap budak ofis die bagi. Aku pun apa lagi, lepas makan nasi dengan banyaknya, aku makan mangge tu dicicah garam..nyumm..amacam?? terliur tak? mesti air liur korang dah meleleh kan? pasni aku nak sambung lg makan mangge tue.huahuaaa.happy2! best giler layan mangge tue..

p/s: time to solat isya'. Bye2 :)

Not So Strong Little Girl

Yesterday, like I always do, I miss my mom so much.

I've been talking about my mom a lot previously right? oh i don't care if people are getting boring and don't wanna read this entry. I still wanna talk about my mom.

I imagined my mom was at home, cooking for me to 'buka puasa and waiting for me at home'. Oh how i miss her cook. She was the best chef ever! I remember how she would dress at home especially at the kitchen. "baju kelawar" and her apron. :) she loves cooking. She always cooked special dishes especially when her kids went back home to visit her. She'll prepare out favorite food. Oh mama, you were a perfect mother!

OK...

I realized that I have been hiding my feelings from everybody. I laugh out loud, I smile, I make stupid jokes...Well, I act like I'm happy and strong although my mom had just passed away. I act like nothing happened. My office mates also treated me like usual. I don't know what they think of me. But, I think they are happy to see me back to normal. Not like what I was 2 weeks ago..

The truth is, I'm tired of hiding my feelings. I'm tired of lying to the whole world that I'm FINE. At the end, I will burst into tears. At night, on my bed, before I sleep. I know, she would hear me. She'll be upset because I'm not strong enough to accept the fact that she's gone.

And then, the next morning, I'll wake up. Try to forget that I was crying last night. And be a happy person again!

Aku juga mahu..

"Selamat Hari Ibu!!!"

Penuh ucapan ni kat news feed facebook aku hari ini. Dekat ofis pulamasing-masing bercakap pasal nak sambut hari ibu...kecewa? sedih? terkilan? memang sinonim dgn keadaan aku yg baru ditinggalkan ibu dua minggu lalu. Aku tak salahkan mereka..mereka masih punya mak, dan saat inilah mereka nak menghargai mak mereka..bila mereka bercakap pasal hari ibu, aku diam dan cuba jauhkan diri sekejap..tak akan aku rosakkan kemeriahan hari ibu buat diorang...biarkan...

Aku ucapkan selamat hari ibu juga...pada baju2 mama..pada gambar2 mama..dan pada barang2 mama..yup, bila terpandang semua tu, memang terngiang-ngiang mama ada dalam rumah ni..Aku ucapkan hari ibu dalam doa aku lepas semayang..aku yakin, mama boleh dengar...Mama pasti seronok sebab kami tak pernah lupakan dia.

Terkenang pula waktu mama masih hidup..kami adik-beradik takkan terlepas sambut hari ibu..Kalau ada rezeki lebih, kami belikan hadiah atau kad ucapan... Ada satu masa dulu, aku tak berduit.Maklumlah, student lagi..Then, aku buat kad hari ibu special buat mama.Hand made tu...Aku terharu sebab mama masih simpan lagi kad tu sampai sekarang. Masih ada dalam bilik mama..Sungguh dia menghargai apa yg kami buat pada dia....I love you mama... :')

Dua tiga hari ni, aku sangat2 rindu pada mama. Asik terkenangkan mama..Hmm. tapi, there's nothing much I could do..She'll never come back right? Aku hanya boleh terus merindui dan mendoakan mama..Even though, sebenarnya aku sangat2 rindukan sentuhan, pelukan dan ciuman mama ku...Aku kangen sekali nak rasa semua tu...Kalaulah aku boleh peluk mama sekarang, aku akan peluk sampai pagi...

Tapi........ tak mungkinlah dapat.......

Life Must Go On

4 hari...5 hari...6 hari....7 hari....8 hari....9 hari.....

Apakah?? everyday aku kira hari...kira berapa hari dah mama meninggalkan aku selamanya.. teruk? emosi? aku tak boleh berhenti buat macam tu...tak percaya..Kadang2 aku rasa mama masih ada...tengah berehat kat bilik. Psycho jugak kadang2..

Masih terngiang-ngiang kata2 kawan sekolah aku masa kenduri tahlil mama minggu lepas.."Hidup kene jugak teruskan macam biase" selambe die berkate..sentap sikit.. tapi, memang betul cakap die tue.Dah seminggu aku tak pergi keje.Aku rase tak boleh nak happy macam selalu bila sampai di ofis..Agak tertekan dan terasing..Teringat-ingat macam2 yg aku plan utk mama..isk.. Aku cuba sibuk2 kan diri, buat2 ketawa seolah2 aku dah ok, fine, chill, redha and relax. Tapi aku takut nak terlalu happy.Takut aku lupakan kesedihan aku.hmm? ntah apa2 je feelings aku nie.

Semalam besday adik aku yg kecik sekali..si ajim.yg ke 6 tahun. Sempena besday Ajim, aku ambil peluang tu untuk tabahkan hati, happy kan diri sendiri dan adik2 aku, Ajim dan Mawar. Takkan pulak aku nak sedih2 depan diorang kan. Macam tak best lak.. Then, aku drove to sunway pyramid bawak budak dua orang nie..

Niat dihati nak jalan2 je..tapi disebabkan sale hebat kat Padini, maka terpaksalah shopping sikit utk adik2 aku.Nasibla ade gaji..huhu. Ku belikan Mawar sebijik Ballet Shoes utk die pakai..Then kami makan2 di Gasoline. Chantik kedai makan nie. Ade curtain2 comel dan sexy sket. Em, nak upload gambar sketlah ;)

k.a.m.i

Dua ketol

Comot

Lepas makan2, aku belikan ajim sebijik kek Secret Recipe sempena besday nya.. Kami celebrate di rumah Along dekat sunway jugak. Seluruh ahli keluarga dtg menyambut. Wah, aku gembira sekejap dengan hari tue. Aku fikir, aku dah dapat go on with life slowly. mungkin. insyaAllah.

Tapi.......Dalam hati terdetik, pasti mama ada bersama kami sekarang, dan seronok tengok kami sekeluarga sambut besday Ajim. Haish..Seperti biasa dan dijangka.., aku takkan berhenti berfikir pasal mama. Lebih bahagia dengan adanya mama disisi aku, tapi, mama pasti lebih bahagia di sisi Allah s.w.t....kan? Amin ;)